Sunday, February 25, 2007


The weekend supposedly is for resting, but I seem to sleep less then than ever. Friday nite was drop in, good fun this week, I had a twelve year old size me up for a fight (and think better of it) and his big brother decide that playing football with little kids meant he could push, shove and kick everyone out of his way, I took him aside and offered him a choice about playing with little kids and looking out for others (as opposed to bashing into them) or not playing. After a few stubborn attempts to argue that "football is football" and that he could bash into people if he wanted he chose not to play. Got home from drop in and fell asleep watching Jarhead, stupid movie that makes a stupid point but does it very well. The point being that the soldiers sat around waiting for something to happen... and nothing ever did. This point is made by keeping you sitting there thinking surely something must happen... and it never does.
Saturday I edited my MySpace page, it now looks well cool, check it out (links in the side bar) and then went to Matts to watch the rugby. I wisely decided to use the tenuous link of an Irish grandparent to cheer for Ireland, who trounced England in magnificent style at Crode Park. Brian O'driscoll is a legend. Stayed at Matts as his place is a good deal closer to church than mine. I found it in the morning that he'd left the window open all nite, which explained why I'd frozen into an icicle!!
Church was great this morning, which is one of the really impressive bits about my church, family service is really good (unlike the generally intolerably infantile family services of many chuches) and involved the youth sharing about the gathering two weeks back. After I had a couple of good chats and it looks like we'll be doing an all nite prayer thing (with loads of different things for fun in there) at Easter, should be fun.
Close examination of the side bar will reveal some new additions. Lyndsey (blog squad) is a friend from Soul Survivor who's taking a gap year and travelling around africa and various other cool places, probably including Australia. Captain Justice has returned to the Motherland from his adventures in Tasmania and has begun his blog anew to mark the move. And Brecklines is Andys (the Bish) website, which I shouldn't really put under Blog Squad as its a web page in its own right... but I'll stick him there coz in reality its just a glorified blog owned by a legenadary snow boarding computer geek who uses yellow times new roman font, say no more.
The weekend (probly the week as well to be honest, but particularly noticable in the last couple of days) has been massively up and down. Stupidly soaringly high and awesome, or crashing down to earth with a sickening thud depression and gloom. Went flying this morning, crashed this arvo. Seriously unfunny. Waiting for my wings back.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Could have been worse...

I called Mum this morning to wish her happy birthday. Jordan answered my skype and went and fetched Mum for me. "Happy Birthday!!" silence on the other end... "Mum?" "Yes" "Happy Birthday!!" silence... "Are you drunk?"
And it hit me. Mums birthday would be March 8th. Today would be February 21st. Not her birthday. And then the explanation dawned on me, Mum had left a comment on the blog about her birthday, shortly after this Rob had mentioned that Barbara's birthday was Wednesday, and somehow the two pieces of information had melded together in my mind so much so that I had actually informed Barbara that she shared her birthday with my mother (I must go and un-inform her of this) and written in my PDA* that it was both of their birthdays (that really should have given the game away as it required me to find the date)
My only defence is that I got very little sleep last nite (and it was not my fault) after a very full day. Anyway, like I said, it could have been worse, Dad forgot Mums birthday last year, fortunately he remembered to blog about forgetting it and gave me the heads up to give her a ring and cash in on the free brownie points for remembering (something I have just destroyed as Mum is one of my 3 readers- thats right, numbers are on the up!! -but its a great story so it had to be done)
Mum also mentioned she had some Christmas presents she hadnt sent me. I'll expect them inside 2 weeks thanks.
In other news, I've forgotten what I was going to say there... o rite, I remember!! I am becoming a Solataire Grand Master thanks to my PDA, altho I'm not sure i should be proud of this. Anyhow, Im outta here, see you on the dark side!!
*(Personal Digital Assistant, Mum)

Sunday, February 18, 2007


I saw Hot Fuzz at the cinema yesterday, fantastic movie from the crew from Shaun of the Dead. Loved it!! A trailer for 300 caught my eye, (giant screen everyone is watching tends to do that), its loosely based on the story of the Battle of Thermopylae where 300 Spartans (and 700 Thespians) held a small pass against a huge number of Persians, selling their lives unbelievably dearly to allow the Greek army time to retreat and for Athens to muster for the naval battle that won them the war. Now, I say loosely and I mean it. The movie is based on the graphic novel (comic!!) which is based on the story, so it will probably leave historians spinning but graphically it looks incredible and definitely will be one for the boys (my sister saw the trailer and hated it so I'm assuming that will be the general female response) Comes out March 9

Friday, February 16, 2007


What's the dumbest thing You've done this week?
This morning I saw the train coming as I arrived at the station, I legged it and managed to get a ticket and be on the platform in time to jump on the train and avoid a 40 min wait for the next one. Pleased with myself I sat down and pulled out a book. 2 mins later the driver announced that this was the express train for London Marylebone. Stopping: London Marylebone. Period. Yeah, I laughed and all.
2 hours later after an unexpected ride into London and back out again I finally got to work and started dismantling furniture for the big move from the old office to the new shop (which is looking well good with the carpet down now and us starting to set up) From there I grabbed a video at blockbusters and headed home to set up for the impromptu movie nite I had organised for the church youth in light of drop in not being on over half term. I managed to have a shower, talk on MSN, cook dinner, deal with infernal smoke alarm (nothing to do with dinner I swear) and rearrange the house all more or less at the same time, who says men cant multi-task?!? (next step: multi-task without burning dinner)
Watched Zoolander, an "old" classic that was pulled out as most of the crowd hadnt seen it and so had to be educated. It was a bit shorter than I remember it being so the older lot stood in the kitchen and talked while the young crew trashed the house or something, I dont know, I havent checked the damage yet... The kitchen convo was extremely entertaining, the highlight of our banter was someone asking what they could "come down with" to get out of work tomorow, the instant brilliant response was "syphilous"
In other news, a drunk Aussie has jumped in the sea and wrestled a four foot bronze whaler shark onto the jetty in a stroke of genius (or stupidity, depending on how you look at it) Full Story Here

Thursday, February 15, 2007

The David Pountney Letters

The fourth David Pountney Letter is the last of his recorded correspondance to date, although there are rumours of a fifth letter (including a David Pountney photo shoot) that will be coming out soon. The fourth letter is possibly my favourite, if of course, one was actually able to distinguish which piece of David Pountney genius us greater than any other piece. Read on to make your own conclusion on the matter...

The Fouth David Pountney Letter

To My Most Wonderfully, Georgeously, Lovely Ladies,

I am well!
I am sure that you will be very pleased to know that I recently returned
from my groundbreaking world tour that i embarked upon with my young
secretary. No doubt you will wish to know how it went.

However, first i must express my deep disappointment with some of you:
firstly, there are hard-core members who have still failed to fill in their
registration forms, and secondly, some of you rejected the
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to join me on tour. In this respect, I am
indeed grieviously upset. (Any apologies or filled in forms should be
directed towards me at once). I must also note that some of you did
extremely well in returning your forms efficiently and honestly, for this i
congratulate the esteemed Miss Heather Batting and Miss Megan Tipping.

On tour, there was some success to be had. The moment i got off my private
coach at leicester bus station, there were throngs of crowds awaiting me.
Having signed a few autographs, we handed out registration forms to everyone
present. While they were contemplating these and filling them in, we made a
quick getaway to Megan Tipping's room, where we had approximately 3.5
seconds of time to ourselves, before we heard the knocking on the door - no
surprises, just young ladies wanting a piece of the action. We collected in
the forms and sent them away; naturally, they were obedient to my wishes.

GOOD NEWS!!!! Over the course of the weekend, we obtained 345,456,987 new
forms. Once the vetting process for appropriate, attractive young christian
singles was complete, this number has been reduced to a mere 234,756. These
are, of course, mere wannabes: the favourites have been narrowed down to
those of you lucky enough to receive this email. Feel the love!!!!!!!

Now, you are probably asking why quite so many people are attracted to me,
try to have optical intercourse with me and make eye babies with me, and
want to be part of my club. To assist you in answering your questions, i
have written up a list of facts that you may not have yet come across in
"The David Pountney Handbook: Everything you ever wanted to know about the
real me" (available in all good bookstores for about $300).

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by me, and those listed in the book
are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

I once shot down a German fighter plane with my finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Contrary to popular belief, Great Britain is not a democracy, it is a

When I fall in water, I don't get wet. Water gets David Pountney.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is
roughly equal to 1DPRhK (David Pountney Roundhouse Kick)

My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried. Ever.

Why is six afraid of seven? Cos David Pountney

I do not hunt for ladies as that implies the possibility of failure. I
capture ladies.

When I do a pushup, I’m not lifting myself up, I’m pushing the Earth down.

I am so fast, I can run around the world and punch myself in the back of the

My hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

I can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

I do not get frostbite. I bite frost.

My house has no doors, only walls that I walk through.

I CAN believe it's not butter.

I can divide by zero.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A David Pountney is worth 1 billion

I ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Little known medical fact: I invented the Caesarean section when I
roundhouse-kicked my way out of my mother's womb.

I once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made me blink.

Thousands of years ago I came across a bear. It was so terrified that it
fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its
descendents now have white hair.

I can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears David Pountney pajamas.

I did in fact, build Rome in a day.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for me. After a workout, I rub my muscles down with
liquid-hot MAGMA.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured me instead of Frodo
Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as I roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass
halfway through the first chapter.

Ladies: how priveledged you are to know me, eh?! How would you survive
without my love and guidance!!!!

LOVE YOU LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Pountenator!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Don't miss out on free pountney points tomorrow; available to anyone
standing outside his house at six o'clock tomorrow morning. Also, don't
forget to trade in your Pountney Point Coupons, found on page 5674 of the
Pountney Handbook (this is in the Chapter entitled "Have you seen my body

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The David Pountney Letters

The Third of the David Pountney Letters came with a P.S. which I have chosen not to include in this publication as it was a personal address to a comment by one of his fans. Suffice to say that the Great Man showed incredible humility and integrity in gently reminding them that God is the true hero and that idolising a mere human, even one so great as the Pountenator, is not good. The letter also includes a registration form and Code of Conduct, anyone wishing to join can copy the letter and send it on to me (the Great Mans personal Body Guard, more of an honourary post as I am more protecting people from crossing David Pountney than I am protecting David Pountney from anything) and I will ensure that it is passed on to Davids Secretary.
[The third letter and the code of conduct contain various "in" phrases and terms that were being discussed and debated amongst the fan club at the time it was written. Some of the requirements were borrowed from bible colleges in America and whilst these are extreme and absurd to expect anyone to follow with normal people, however, David Pountney is no ordinary man, and so the David Pountney Staff (see the facebook group for membership list) deemed these requirements appropriate for the followers of this exceptional man]

The third of the David Pountney Letters

To those lovely ladies who have the pleasure of being part of my fan club,

I bid thee goodday!

It has come to the attention of my staff, that the number of fans in my club is becoming nearly uncontrollable. I therefore feel it would be beneficial to all of us if I was able to have a database containing information about each of you. Thus, I am asking if it would be possible for each of you to fill in the attached registration form and return it to my secretary as soon as you can. Rewards will be given out as I see fit.


The Pountenator!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Form:

Age: (very important!)
Date you met me (I expect you to know this – life was not worth living before this wonderful day):
My first words to you:
My most attractive feature:
Favourite fantasy involving David Pountney:
Anything else you want to say about me:

I, the undersigned, agree to bide by the Pountney Fan Club code of conduct.
(Please read before signing)

Name (please print)……………………….…………..Date:…………………..


Pountney Fan Club Code of Conduct

o I will not make “eye babies” with any other member of the male species except David Pountney
o I will not have “optical intercourse” with any other member of the male species except David Pountney
o I will not talk to any other member of the male species except with the express permission of David Pountney
o Furthermore, I will not even look at another member of the male species without the express permission of David Pountney
o I will only speak to David Pountney when invited to do so
o I will address David Pountney as “Sir” or “Mr Pountney”. I understand that calling him “Pountney”, “Pounters”, “Pouters”, “Poultney”, “Poultry”, “David”, “Davey”, “Dave”, “Thunderbird”, “Fit-boy”, “Fittie”, “Hot Dave”, “Muscles”, or any other such abomination is completely unacceptable, and that calling him “The Pountenator” should be reserved for some certain appropriate moments only.
o I will dress appropriately in the presence of the great man (I understand that this generally means a nice top and long skirt in summer, and a nice top and trousers in winter)
o I will hug David Pountney at any available opportunity
o I will spread the word of the greatness of David Pountney
o I will trust him with my life, even at risk of being dropped
o I will dream about no man other than David Pountney
o I will carry around with me photos of David Pountney and only David Pountney
o My bedroom will be adorned with photos of nobody except David Pountney: there will not be any wallpaper or paint showing as the walls will be totally covered with the great man. An alternative is to invest in the official “David Pountney Wallpaper”
o When I greet David Pountney, I will firstly scream his name for three minutes at the top of my voice to show my loyalty, I will then curtsey and politely ask him how he is. If he replies affirmatively, I will step to the side and let him continue to his other fans. If there seems to be a problem, I will instantly tell him how wonderful he is for a period of no less than thirteen minutes, without even pausing for breath.
o I will wear my official “David Pountney Fan Club” badge at all times, even when showering or sleeping. I would far rather be injured in my sleep than to compromise my loyalty to such a stunning man
o I will not marry until David Pountney has married, as otherwise this implies that there is someone I would rather marry
o If it turns out that I am not the lucky woman who marries David Pountney, I shall enter a mourning period which will last approximately twelve years
o I will do whatever he says, whether I agree with him or not. Period.

LOVE YOU LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!

The Pountenator!!!!


P.S. Next edition "Pountney on Tour" will be coming out soon!

Monday, February 12, 2007

The David Pountney Letters

I should explain quickly that David Pountney, the legend that is, was but a humble legend until his recent rise to fame after 3 girls formed the initially named Pountney Appreciation Society, this continued to grow until it was clear that the mass of screaming female fans could no longer be accurately referred to as a "society" and so were renamed the "Pountney Fan Club". Prior to the exponential growth of his fans the Great Man wrote these letters to his most loyal followers.
This is the second of the David Pountney Letters

To My Most Dearest Ladies, I bid you goodday,

As my most loyal fans, i feel it is necessary to share with you some facts about myself that are unknown to many other people. I do expect you to acquaint yourself with these facts over the next few days, as there will be a test on them next saturday, to determine who will be the lucky winner of the "Pountney Fan of the Week award" this week. The winner will also get a bonus "Free Dance with the Man Of Steel" himself at Heather's party. Best of Luck!!!

These facts come with a health warning: I am well aware that many aspects of my personality are so breath-takingly incredible and almost unbelievable, that you may die of shock while reading them. Please do not, or I shall have to find new members for my fan club. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Here they are:

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is me.

I do not read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.

Children all over the world check their closets for the boogie-man before heading to bed. The boogie-man checks his closet for me.

I do not breathe. Air hides in my lungs for protection.

My calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools me.

I have counted to infinity - twice.

I can speak braille.

I do not sleep. I wait.

I sleep with a night light. Not because I am afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.

My dog is trained to pick up his own poop because I will not take crap from anyone.

When I look in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between David Pountney and David Pountney.

I once had a heart attack; my heart lost.

I don't use pickup lines, I simply say, "Now."

I can build a snowman out of rain.

I was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. I declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

I can drown a fish.

I play russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and win.

The chief export of David Pountney is love.

The only time I was wrong was when I thought I had made a mistake.

I have only one hand: the upper hand.

Bullets dodge David Pountney.

Simon says exactly what I tell him to say. Period.

Well, there you are. All those hidden facts that you may otherwise never have known about me...

Dearest ladies, I hope that your revision sessions prove successful, as you can see these are some very important attributes of my character...

LOVE YOU LADIES!!!! you really are the most incredibly awesome and, dare I say it, attractive, fans I could ever have wished for!

The Pountenator!

Sunday, February 11, 2007

The Saints Are Coming

Spent the Weekend at the Gathering in Birmingham. Got all of about 40mins sleep over the two nites and as our accomodation was without shower facilities I came home smelling fresh and looking well rested *cough* (3 of us fell asleep in the live album recording at the conference and got more sleep there than we had the previous nite, which gives you some idea of the rowdiness of the boys followed up by the "chain-saw wielding grizzly bear snorer" who incidently was wearing superman pyjamas)
It was a good weekend tho, most of the leaders nicked off Saturday afternoon to grab a pub lunch and watch England take Italy in the rugby and got inspired to start a game of sleeping bag rugby back at the church hall we were sleeping in that nite. The mental game that followed saw my pillow used as the ball and a bunch of lads go hard at it for a good half an hour before someone innevitably got hurt and we decided to stop. Typically, I was responsible for the hurt (fortunatley this hurt was more about someone being a wuss than any actual injury, my elbow on the other hand will be making its way to the doctors for an x-ray on the chip from December that I managed to bash on the ground as I took one lad out) This BIG lad on the other team, who fortunately had no idea how to play rugby whatsoever, had the "ball" and I was pushing him back towards his own line with it but he wouldnt fall over and so I ducked low and launched up lifting him off the ground and then dump tackling him to the cheers of my team. "That's an Australian tackle!!" was the cry from Pete (resident rugby guru) before we realised he was hurt. Now I suspect that the fella was just winded but we took it as a good break in the game to end on and cut it out before anyone actually got hurt.
Some other hilarity from the trip involved our complete lack of ability to form a working convoy of cars, innevitably we got seperated and then lost despite having 2 sat navs!! Tim launched into a beautiful rant at the lads on the first nite after about an hour of chaos post lights out, which ended with "you're embarrassing yourself and your church!!" which silenced the whole room except for Matt, Pete, and I trying to contain our laughter with little success for about ten mins. (I should mention our group were amazingly well behaved and the model of respect and sense, seriously proud of them) Matts rant the following nite worked well until he ended on the line "Im not angry, Im just dissapointed" which completely destroyed the effect of the rant as everyone cracked up laughing again. And lastly, my genius was well employed when I got the tech guys to put a message on the screens asking Tim to go to First Aid (something he'd been dreading happening since we got there) He came back very confused until he saw the rest of us smirking and ticked to what was going on!!
*the Gathering is a youth event run by the Elim network of Churches

A great touch to the waiting times in the hall were some of the songs and ensuing fun that were played by the good natured techies for our entertainment. There was a giant Conga line to Sweet Marie Who Waits For Me and just general dancing and enjoyment to The Saints Are Coming by U2 and Greenday. This song was so good I googled it as soon as I got home and found this clip on YouTube. Enjoy!!

Friday, February 09, 2007

The David Pountney Letters

The David Pountney letters are a series of letters from David Pountney, the great man, to all his fans (largely of the female variety). I felt that both the readers of this blog should be included in the genius entertainment provided by the great man himself (due credit to his personal secretary for his assistance in this process)

The first of the David Pountney Letters

To My Most Lovely Ladies,

I would like to let you know that I had a good day. Here is how it went:
7:30 I woke up with a smile
7.35 I arised and powered out some press ups (my pecs are coming on, I'm
telling you)
7.40 Breakfast Time! (Good ol' shreddies, keep the heart pumping away)
8.00 Did my teeth
8.05 Chauffeur (Criscab) took his royalty to school.
8.30 Guard of honour (a.k.a screaming girls) welcome me to school
*lots of other stuff happens*
4.00 Come home from school after a long day with the paparazzi, particular
watching me playing house football with the vest on!
4.30 Went to gym. More chest work. (These pecs are really coming on, I'm
telling you)
7.30 Ian comes round. Mischief begins!!! Plenty of awesome dance moves are
learned for Heather's party. DO NOT MISS OUT.
7.45 Transcribe email for Ian (secretary) to write to Fan Club.

LOVE YOU LADIES!!! Keep up the support - rewards for most loyal fan will be
handed out each week!!!

The Pountenator!

P.S. Look forward to tomorrow morning's edition - "The Pountenator takes a

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Snow Day!!!

Woke up to this

So thought I'd go do this

Would quite like one of these

You'd cain everyone in a snow fight with that thing!! I love the snow!!

Saturday, February 03, 2007


Am heading into Oxford for Vertigo* tonite. Hopefully while Im there I will collect my camera off Danbo who has restored it to working order after a six month break from functioning. He says the batteries were dodgy, I can't work this out coz that was the first thing I changed!! Anyhow, Im looking forward to getting it back and pulling it out occasionally to take some pics for the blog.
At the moment Im sitting watching Scotland play England in the Six Nations and listening to Placebo. England are up by 2 points thanks to Wilkinsons annoying kicking, I'd love to see someone actually score a try tho rather than just get halfway up the field and then kicking at goal. Scottsh bloke just made a brilliant dive through the legs of the English fella trying to tackle him, and we have Englands first try in 6 years and Wilkinson, probably utterly stunned, has missed his conversion kick at goal for the first time in that period as well!! (due credit to him but he does look like a punce when he's lining up a kick). I think England have won the rugby now, shame, I was going to wear my kilt to Vertigo if Scotland won.
Started doing 2 days a week youth work for my church this week (in addition to my diploma) and am loving it. So far I've spent more time decorating the new shop than doing youth work but it's good fun none the less and I'm looking forward to the next few months with them.
Have loads to do at the moment, actually didn't see James or Alice in the last 2 weeks, blogging will probly be sporadic at best (no change from usual then) but there will probly be lots more to blog about when I do get the chance.
*Vertigo is a Youth Event run by all the churches in Oxford once a term, loads of fun!!