Thursday, February 15, 2007

The David Pountney Letters

The fourth David Pountney Letter is the last of his recorded correspondance to date, although there are rumours of a fifth letter (including a David Pountney photo shoot) that will be coming out soon. The fourth letter is possibly my favourite, if of course, one was actually able to distinguish which piece of David Pountney genius us greater than any other piece. Read on to make your own conclusion on the matter...

The Fouth David Pountney Letter

To My Most Wonderfully, Georgeously, Lovely Ladies,

I am well!
I am sure that you will be very pleased to know that I recently returned
from my groundbreaking world tour that i embarked upon with my young
secretary. No doubt you will wish to know how it went.

However, first i must express my deep disappointment with some of you:
firstly, there are hard-core members who have still failed to fill in their
registration forms, and secondly, some of you rejected the
once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to join me on tour. In this respect, I am
indeed grieviously upset. (Any apologies or filled in forms should be
directed towards me at once). I must also note that some of you did
extremely well in returning your forms efficiently and honestly, for this i
congratulate the esteemed Miss Heather Batting and Miss Megan Tipping.

On tour, there was some success to be had. The moment i got off my private
coach at leicester bus station, there were throngs of crowds awaiting me.
Having signed a few autographs, we handed out registration forms to everyone
present. While they were contemplating these and filling them in, we made a
quick getaway to Megan Tipping's room, where we had approximately 3.5
seconds of time to ourselves, before we heard the knocking on the door - no
surprises, just young ladies wanting a piece of the action. We collected in
the forms and sent them away; naturally, they were obedient to my wishes.

GOOD NEWS!!!! Over the course of the weekend, we obtained 345,456,987 new
forms. Once the vetting process for appropriate, attractive young christian
singles was complete, this number has been reduced to a mere 234,756. These
are, of course, mere wannabes: the favourites have been narrowed down to
those of you lucky enough to receive this email. Feel the love!!!!!!!

Now, you are probably asking why quite so many people are attracted to me,
try to have optical intercourse with me and make eye babies with me, and
want to be part of my club. To assist you in answering your questions, i
have written up a list of facts that you may not have yet come across in
"The David Pountney Handbook: Everything you ever wanted to know about the
real me" (available in all good bookstores for about $300).

In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it
notes that all world records are held by me, and those listed in the book
are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.

I once shot down a German fighter plane with my finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Contrary to popular belief, Great Britain is not a democracy, it is a

When I fall in water, I don't get wet. Water gets David Pountney.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is
roughly equal to 1DPRhK (David Pountney Roundhouse Kick)

My tears cure cancer. Too bad I have never cried. Ever.

Why is six afraid of seven? Cos David Pountney

I do not hunt for ladies as that implies the possibility of failure. I
capture ladies.

When I do a pushup, I’m not lifting myself up, I’m pushing the Earth down.

I am so fast, I can run around the world and punch myself in the back of the

My hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

I can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

I do not get frostbite. I bite frost.

My house has no doors, only walls that I walk through.

I CAN believe it's not butter.

I can divide by zero.

A picture is worth a thousand words. A David Pountney is worth 1 billion

I ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Little known medical fact: I invented the Caesarean section when I
roundhouse-kicked my way out of my mother's womb.

I once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made me blink.

Thousands of years ago I came across a bear. It was so terrified that it
fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its
descendents now have white hair.

I can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears David Pountney pajamas.

I did in fact, build Rome in a day.

'Icy-Hot' is too weak for me. After a workout, I rub my muscles down with
liquid-hot MAGMA.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured me instead of Frodo
Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as I roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass
halfway through the first chapter.

Ladies: how priveledged you are to know me, eh?! How would you survive
without my love and guidance!!!!

LOVE YOU LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Pountenator!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

P.S. Don't miss out on free pountney points tomorrow; available to anyone
standing outside his house at six o'clock tomorrow morning. Also, don't
forget to trade in your Pountney Point Coupons, found on page 5674 of the
Pountney Handbook (this is in the Chapter entitled "Have you seen my body

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