Monday, February 12, 2007

The David Pountney Letters

I should explain quickly that David Pountney, the legend that is, was but a humble legend until his recent rise to fame after 3 girls formed the initially named Pountney Appreciation Society, this continued to grow until it was clear that the mass of screaming female fans could no longer be accurately referred to as a "society" and so were renamed the "Pountney Fan Club". Prior to the exponential growth of his fans the Great Man wrote these letters to his most loyal followers.
This is the second of the David Pountney Letters

To My Most Dearest Ladies, I bid you goodday,

As my most loyal fans, i feel it is necessary to share with you some facts about myself that are unknown to many other people. I do expect you to acquaint yourself with these facts over the next few days, as there will be a test on them next saturday, to determine who will be the lucky winner of the "Pountney Fan of the Week award" this week. The winner will also get a bonus "Free Dance with the Man Of Steel" himself at Heather's party. Best of Luck!!!

These facts come with a health warning: I am well aware that many aspects of my personality are so breath-takingly incredible and almost unbelievable, that you may die of shock while reading them. Please do not, or I shall have to find new members for my fan club. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.

Here they are:

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is me.

I do not read books. I stare them down until I get the information I want.

Children all over the world check their closets for the boogie-man before heading to bed. The boogie-man checks his closet for me.

I do not breathe. Air hides in my lungs for protection.

My calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, because no one fools me.

I have counted to infinity - twice.

I can speak braille.

I do not sleep. I wait.

I sleep with a night light. Not because I am afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of me.

My dog is trained to pick up his own poop because I will not take crap from anyone.

When I look in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between David Pountney and David Pountney.

I once had a heart attack; my heart lost.

I don't use pickup lines, I simply say, "Now."

I can build a snowman out of rain.

I was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. I declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

I can drown a fish.

I play russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and win.

The chief export of David Pountney is love.

The only time I was wrong was when I thought I had made a mistake.

I have only one hand: the upper hand.

Bullets dodge David Pountney.

Simon says exactly what I tell him to say. Period.

Well, there you are. All those hidden facts that you may otherwise never have known about me...

Dearest ladies, I hope that your revision sessions prove successful, as you can see these are some very important attributes of my character...

LOVE YOU LADIES!!!! you really are the most incredibly awesome and, dare I say it, attractive, fans I could ever have wished for!

The Pountenator!

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