[The third letter and the code of conduct contain various "in" phrases and terms that were being discussed and debated amongst the fan club at the time it was written. Some of the requirements were borrowed from bible colleges in America and whilst these are extreme and absurd to expect anyone to follow with normal people, however, David Pountney is no ordinary man, and so the David Pountney Staff (see the facebook group for membership list) deemed these requirements appropriate for the followers of this exceptional man]
The third of the David Pountney Letters
To those lovely ladies who have the pleasure of being part of my fan club,
I bid thee goodday!
It has come to the attention of my staff, that the number of fans in my club is becoming nearly uncontrollable. I therefore feel it would be beneficial to all of us if I was able to have a database containing information about each of you. Thus, I am asking if it would be possible for each of you to fill in the attached registration form and return it to my secretary as soon as you can. Rewards will be given out as I see fit.
LOVE YOU LOVELY LADIES!!!!
Age: (very important!)
Date you met me (I expect you to know this – life was not worth living before this wonderful day):
My first words to you:
My most attractive feature:
Favourite fantasy involving David Pountney:
Anything else you want to say about me:
I, the undersigned, agree to bide by the Pountney Fan Club code of conduct.
(Please read before signing)
Name (please print)……………………….…………..Date:…………………..
Pountney Fan Club Code of Conduct
o I will not make “eye babies” with any other member of the male species except David Pountney
o I will not have “optical intercourse” with any other member of the male species except David Pountney
o I will not talk to any other member of the male species except with the express permission of David Pountney
o Furthermore, I will not even look at another member of the male species without the express permission of David Pountney
o I will only speak to David Pountney when invited to do so
o I will address David Pountney as “Sir” or “Mr Pountney”. I understand that calling him “Pountney”, “Pounters”, “Pouters”, “Poultney”, “Poultry”, “David”, “Davey”, “Dave”, “Thunderbird”, “Fit-boy”, “Fittie”, “Hot Dave”, “Muscles”, or any other such abomination is completely unacceptable, and that calling him “The Pountenator” should be reserved for some certain appropriate moments only.
o I will dress appropriately in the presence of the great man (I understand that this generally means a nice top and long skirt in summer, and a nice top and trousers in winter)
o I will hug David Pountney at any available opportunity
o I will spread the word of the greatness of David Pountney
o I will trust him with my life, even at risk of being dropped
o I will dream about no man other than David Pountney
o I will carry around with me photos of David Pountney and only David Pountney
o My bedroom will be adorned with photos of nobody except David Pountney: there will not be any wallpaper or paint showing as the walls will be totally covered with the great man. An alternative is to invest in the official “David Pountney Wallpaper”
o When I greet David Pountney, I will firstly scream his name for three minutes at the top of my voice to show my loyalty, I will then curtsey and politely ask him how he is. If he replies affirmatively, I will step to the side and let him continue to his other fans. If there seems to be a problem, I will instantly tell him how wonderful he is for a period of no less than thirteen minutes, without even pausing for breath.
o I will wear my official “David Pountney Fan Club” badge at all times, even when showering or sleeping. I would far rather be injured in my sleep than to compromise my loyalty to such a stunning man
o I will not marry until David Pountney has married, as otherwise this implies that there is someone I would rather marry
o If it turns out that I am not the lucky woman who marries David Pountney, I shall enter a mourning period which will last approximately twelve years
o I will do whatever he says, whether I agree with him or not. Period.
LOVE YOU LADIES!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. Next edition "Pountney on Tour" will be coming out soon!